sweet emotion

as i sit here tonight i am not TOTALLY sure of how i am feeling ...
yet i want to try to put it into words.

this afternoon, i got a call saying my grandma had died.

since then, my emotions have been all over the place.

i am heartbroken thinking of her spending the last year alone in a nursing home.

i am frustrated when i think about how over the past few years ...
as her health has declined,
common tasks which seem so basic,
had become so frustrating.

i am sad thinking of how i will no longer be able to hear her ...

see her ...

hug her ...

or eat her INCREDIBLE sandwich sugar cookies :)
(i have to think a LITTLE about me here ... right?!)

YET ...

i am happy

because i like to think that my grandpa was there waiting for her with open arms ...
and that from a distance he WHISPERED her name and she heard it!
(and didn't have to ask him to repeat himself)

i am thankful

that she played such a role in my life growing up
and that i got to have SO many years with her ...
and that my kids did as well.

i am grateful

that just a few months ago, we were all able to come together and celebrate her life of 90 years!
(even if for the past month or so she swears we got it wrong and she turned 100!)

and most importantly

i am at peace.

she is no longer alone.
she is no longer in pain.
she is no longer frustrated.
and she is in a place that i cannot even BEGIN to imagine
with our ONE and ONLY amazing God..

i know that one day,
she will be there waiting for ME with open arms.
she will pack me into her little brown station wagon
she will drive me to her very own bakery ...
and there we will be ...
talking ...
eating homemade kit kat bars, heath cake, and angel food cake.
and hopefully drinking starbucks lattes
together
(a girl can dream ... right?!)


grandma,
i love you.
i am so thankful for you.
and i am going to miss you.